6/1/12 Fri

I couldn't imagine being a parent at all. I still feel like such a kid. And being around people with them, maybe divorced or whatever, all in their 40's, it's weird for me. I can't relate to what it is. And they might envy me for that. It's kind of like watching the now equal-footing folks like my parents talking about smoking pot, getting wasted, dating again, the mess of their lives while the entire time still a protector and guardian for children I feel I'll never meet. The elephant in the room. When I meet his friends and they bring up Jackie, I gracefully keep quiet. We're not there yet. I feel like they grin and smirk about it because they don't take me seriously. Just some young pretty trifle. I'm more than that, I know, and if anything, I don't often fall victim to shite thinking around the whole issue. Can't afford to. Anyway, it is what it is. Maybe my accommodating nature and attitude is what makes the whole thing easier. I just don't like the hiding part of it all. But slowly, I'm being introduced and involved and maybe one day, I'll be fully integrated into the system. Then it will have its own ball of wax that I'll probably need therapy for too. Who knows? Can't imagine that and I have nightmares around the whole thing. But anyway, that's a long way's away and what not. My concern is my kind of blank numbness from sheer work exhaustion. Witty self or whatever is not always on, like I have nothing small to say at all and can't contribute to light fun banter with office people, find non-personal deep topics to divulge and discuss. I'm all insular from work that I'm uninformed and unaware of general life around me. And still a fucking ditz with names (poor Sharma). Kind of out of it and it reminds me of my mom. She got all spaced out and not present after work and if anything, most of the time. Totally preoccupied and in her head about shit. Suckage. Not how I want to to be. Gah, need to eat less! Too much to do really. And balancing it all. Three lives. More and more shit piling on...