6/10/12 Sun

Gah, it does wound my heart when a simple, "I love you", isn't reciprocated. I have no clue what other intimacy hangups are there for him, but one is this. he's not so free with his which is peculiar to me. But whatever, I'm fine with out it and besides, the show of it is maybe better. I'm still comfortable and feel reassured all the time.

Had a dream I was going to see my cousin, Ian, in Mysore. He lived at the far-end near the palace and it was kind of near the end of the city and a pain to get to from San Francisco or wherever I was. IOne ways, crazy traffic. I was all confident I could find it no problem but the highways were a crazy jungle. It was 380S. All the way, kind of like Highway 5 to LA, not shortcuts, etc. Long and boring. And then once there, the roads weren't how I had imagined and my shortcut trials failed. Got stuck on a road high up, got out to see if I could turn around from a certain road, but no. It was further up and completely jammed. I was running late and had to climb back up this really steep middle ridged concrete road, hating myself for being over-confident, then getting lost and stuck as hell. One thing is that I fucking hate sitting in traffic - who does? And if I can avoid it, I will do whatever it takes... run late, shortcuts, etc.

Anyway, yesterday was a magical kind of day, out here in the splendor and beauty of Nicasio with Don and Aaron, 2 men who adore me. Nice introducing Aaron to Don and my secret sanctuary away from the din of the City and life, away from worldly clamors, away from people, in nature, amongst lovely chirping birds, a breathtaking 180˚ view of the Marin hills. 

6/1/12 Fri

I couldn't imagine being a parent at all. I still feel like such a kid. And being around people with them, maybe divorced or whatever, all in their 40's, it's weird for me. I can't relate to what it is. And they might envy me for that. It's kind of like watching the now equal-footing folks like my parents talking about smoking pot, getting wasted, dating again, the mess of their lives while the entire time still a protector and guardian for children I feel I'll never meet. The elephant in the room. When I meet his friends and they bring up Jackie, I gracefully keep quiet. We're not there yet. I feel like they grin and smirk about it because they don't take me seriously. Just some young pretty trifle. I'm more than that, I know, and if anything, I don't often fall victim to shite thinking around the whole issue. Can't afford to. Anyway, it is what it is. Maybe my accommodating nature and attitude is what makes the whole thing easier. I just don't like the hiding part of it all. But slowly, I'm being introduced and involved and maybe one day, I'll be fully integrated into the system. Then it will have its own ball of wax that I'll probably need therapy for too. Who knows? Can't imagine that and I have nightmares around the whole thing. But anyway, that's a long way's away and what not. My concern is my kind of blank numbness from sheer work exhaustion. Witty self or whatever is not always on, like I have nothing small to say at all and can't contribute to light fun banter with office people, find non-personal deep topics to divulge and discuss. I'm all insular from work that I'm uninformed and unaware of general life around me. And still a fucking ditz with names (poor Sharma). Kind of out of it and it reminds me of my mom. She got all spaced out and not present after work and if anything, most of the time. Totally preoccupied and in her head about shit. Suckage. Not how I want to to be. Gah, need to eat less! Too much to do really. And balancing it all. Three lives. More and more shit piling on...

5/29/12 Tuesday

Nice long weekend. Feel rejuvenated and ready to go back to work facing worry. Mad Men obsession kicking in and I wish I could be as cold and conniving as Draper is. Smart, calculated, good with words, so utterly smooth and charming. I see it as a power thing. That is what interests me most. Joan has  power, freedom and knowledge -- very strong and free. I know I'm free too and I'm so grateful not to be some stupid trophy housewife, utterly dependent on their husbands for fucking everything. I don't want the worries of a man, house or kid now, to basically be owned and tied down to it. As much as I'm craving union of sorts, harmonic routine and co-existence, I'm fickle and can be self-defeating. So anyway, I'm working on seeing the bigger picture, not being so micro-focused and aggro about everything. I can be so one-sided and short-sighted at times, utterly stubborn and a baby when I don't get my way, but hey, got to remember life isn't fair and I'm not going to get what I want, etc. So then, acceptance, let go, do what I can, do what I must. Just is, right? I'm in the life boat and can quit struggling. I'm not trying to survive anymore. I already am thriving, so "poverty-thinking" can go bye-bye. Practice getting out of self is what. 

5/28/2012 Mon

The journey still goes on one huge mountain climbed but it keeps going up and down. It's in its own way a war and victories are short-lived. The next battle is always only just up ahead and the stench of the dead linger behind but we have to leave them all behind. Grim, yes. Thrones influence. Motorcycling was embarrassing yesterday. Totally cracked near the end of the test. Brain farted twice on exercises I was already pretty proficient at. Dropped the bike twice in situations I was normally a rockstar at. Panic front-grip grabbing. Then in the test, gah. Stupid U-turn thing of which I'd executed not just 5-minutes before the test, then going into that last turn too fast and bulging out of the turn! Didn't want to brake of course in the turn but eh, fuck it. Test is done, over and thankfully passed.d Unlike the young pretty perfect thing, who yes, I was like all ergh by, but whatever. Stars do fall and I can be a "peaked-to-sooner". Sigh. It's my nerves on tests, interviews, etc. I get totally wrecked and fuck up at exactly the wrong moment. Why is that? I'm so not perfect, I fuck up a lot, try to do so gracefully, not be a sore loser or insecure needy company. I don't want to coast by in life completely stoned out of the blessed river of life. I may be too awake at times. Point really, I need a thicker skin and to be less of a control-freak about the future. My fear of not returning by September is th whole thing. Aaron will not wait for me, but eh, fuck it, so what if he can't? He seems th e type who will both keep his work, but all driven by his sexual needs that I"m sure whether to trust yet. My heart is still teetering and I need to find solid footing within myself in that good 'ole spiritual fashion for peace of mind. The world is kind of spinning me around right now. A lot of balls in the air. I've set in motions trains and will do my best to be grown up and deal with consequences. Fucking scared through. With Aaron, same 'ole. If it's not meant to be, he reneges, or is in fact hiding Sissel shit, or whatever else, then fuck it, not the right one for me. His fuckin' loss. I need to keep moving. Shit ton to take care of and now it's only fair I guide the India team to be stronger and self-sufficient with Client Engineering or people who can at least troubleshoot P1 issues. They need that and that is me being of service. Timing!

5/22/2012 Tues

There everything goes! Flip! And voila, magic. Indeed. And I've gotten most of what I wanted. Fuck yeah. It's like all my envisionings of life here are presenting themselves, unfolding before me. Of course, the entire way I've been impatient and complaining but I did some work, put in a lot of faith and intention into the `verse and it's come back now. The momentum is rolling and it's happened as quickly as I hoped. OMG OMG OMG!! Wow! It's pretty fucking amazing. Thank God for all of this. A slice of pie. A sign and a complete shift in direction, the obvious poking I needed to return here. The future is still the future and have no clue whatever else but doesn't matter. I'm positively glowing form this. Way to go Sarah! Amazing. And for me to doubt her, be ungrateful, fucked up. She deserves my gratitude. She kind of lagged and needed the ammo to really be more aggressive, but that push came and had to come, from me. Timing is everything and it all kind of happened (strangely to me) exactly as if a "plan" of sorts. Executed flawlessly yet still flowing down the river. I feel bad my visit to SJ to get my stuff from Mandar wasn't more respectful and giving back to him. He did carry the burden of my shit, some of which totally a liability and I wasn't more thankful to him. Not thoughtful in the Indian or even any culture way. Too much going on. Friday. It's the right thing to do. Lunch, whatever. And yeah, now need to give back. Offer love and light in every situation. I want to be more of an authentically loving and thoughtful person, not all super concerned with me. And fuck, how did/do I treat my friends? Neeraj, Divya, etc. I've disappeared and changed the plan completely, to their chagrin. I've been sent on an clandestine mission to "escape" India in a way. Have really dishonored the friendship I have with Neeraj and now am avoiding him completely. And Divya, she annoys me really. Not the exact friend I need but good. I do feel lonely there. Frustrated a lot. Sunil is awesome to have too. But I'm done fighting to survive there emotionally and mentally. Spiritually too. I've emerged much much stronger. Amends. Realigning the balance, at least, and at most only within me with these relationships. OMG, so grateful. So fucking excited!! Fuck yeah!

5/17/2012 Thurs

A busy day already. Had an 8am meeting and woke up half-way through it. Slept a bit late-ish. Yesterday was full also with networking and reaching out to various people globally. Finally got in touch with Sunil, who's the same and somehow now not all going to leave his wife. Apparently she's made some ammeds about being so nuts. He'll be coming out here when I'm returning. He's supportive of my decision to move back, which is nice. To him it's all not a big deal, just life shit that we'll always experience, that each moment is God's will happening, and it will all be just fine. Telling Sarah was awkward. She's frustrated with me, all my stupid back and forth with wanting to come back and not. She's done everything she can but I agree with Nannette that it's an ineffective coddling, oh, just be patient, we'll be with you at some point, like an Indian response with it all. I'm letting them kind of control my life, dictate what I do and want, and that's naïve. Ultimately of course, it's in God's control and I have no clue and can't know. But as it stands, I want to take more action into getting what I want. Sarah just isn't moving fast enough. The higher ups don't take me at all seriously. I've made my bad impressions and who knows what they really think. Now maybe they will. I will play ball. They can totally make it happen! But "Plan B" must also be in place and that I won't be afraid of. Called my Dad too. That was an impulsive thing but I felt like it. He was initially in a bad spot with Jade I'm sure, but he called me back and we were able to pleasantly catch up. Good to know he still cares but kind of a bummer that he doesn't seem super concerned about my well-being. It's been a relief for him not to deal with me for the pat 4 years. Fucking crazy situation. Jade being all reactive about me. Weird. And I called Mom for a late-Mother's day dinner. That was actually cool too, pleasant and easy. She wasn't all drunk and out of it, wanting to escape from the day in some form of checking out indulgence. We were able to laugh and connect over a shit load of Chinese food from that place on Hyde and California. She's still my Mom and interesting to hear her be all anecdotal with me, concerned about my youth and relationship status. All weird life stuff right now. Work is fucking nuts again!

5/16/2012 Weds

A new book. New beginning. Minds feels rested. Yesterday went early to see Zeitz to do the check-in thing, get a prescription for the 'just-in-case' that may probably happen. I feel phenomenal. Living the dream, doing what I want to be doing. I did feel a bit manic though. Like I should've been more tired and wiped out or something having woken up so early but no, kept going, mind/body working, yet all even and mellow internally. "Plans" did fall through out the day but even better came long and I really liked that I go to go to a meeting while Aaron was off getting a massage. Felt all normal  and like we can totally just do our own things together and have the house to be home base where we can join back together. And Firefly too, a great idea. I'm a bit demotivated about work, bit less enthusiasm and irritation about our daily scrum call. I just don't want to go really. I'm slowed down and maybe I'm also still recovering from a Quaker weekend. Whatever. I also think the job interviewing thing has gotten me excited too. I will tell Sarah, because it is the right thing, especially for a woman who really cares about me and wants me to succeed wherever... I don't want to let her down or anything. But she should actually know. She should in fact communicate this upwards. I need the ammo in my back pocket. I'm realizing they don't value me that much and don't recognize the amount of work and realize the complexity of it all. Just another face that they can easily replace. So if cheaper is all they're looking for, then fuck'em. It's so stupid, the way our organization is set up. I love the people and most of the time, the work. But tiring and needing options outside. I think September could be a realistic time frame. I'd have to really see with moving actual shit, dealing with employment contracts, money, etc. But I'm sure actually, in a pinch, it could done, hell in a week or two. Just make it happen. I have enough resources. Just scary to think about. Overwhelming in a way, but it happens all the time, over over the place and nothing new. Just a big change for me which is always scary. A good thing though and I feel for all the right reasons....I never really factored seriously the outdoors thing so much. Coddled by emotional actions, etc. But time to move on....wow...but I don't want to feel rushed. God's will...God's will...