5/28/2012 Mon

The journey still goes on one huge mountain climbed but it keeps going up and down. It's in its own way a war and victories are short-lived. The next battle is always only just up ahead and the stench of the dead linger behind but we have to leave them all behind. Grim, yes. Thrones influence. Motorcycling was embarrassing yesterday. Totally cracked near the end of the test. Brain farted twice on exercises I was already pretty proficient at. Dropped the bike twice in situations I was normally a rockstar at. Panic front-grip grabbing. Then in the test, gah. Stupid U-turn thing of which I'd executed not just 5-minutes before the test, then going into that last turn too fast and bulging out of the turn! Didn't want to brake of course in the turn but eh, fuck it. Test is done, over and thankfully passed.d Unlike the young pretty perfect thing, who yes, I was like all ergh by, but whatever. Stars do fall and I can be a "peaked-to-sooner". Sigh. It's my nerves on tests, interviews, etc. I get totally wrecked and fuck up at exactly the wrong moment. Why is that? I'm so not perfect, I fuck up a lot, try to do so gracefully, not be a sore loser or insecure needy company. I don't want to coast by in life completely stoned out of the blessed river of life. I may be too awake at times. Point really, I need a thicker skin and to be less of a control-freak about the future. My fear of not returning by September is th whole thing. Aaron will not wait for me, but eh, fuck it, so what if he can't? He seems th e type who will both keep his work, but all driven by his sexual needs that I"m sure whether to trust yet. My heart is still teetering and I need to find solid footing within myself in that good 'ole spiritual fashion for peace of mind. The world is kind of spinning me around right now. A lot of balls in the air. I've set in motions trains and will do my best to be grown up and deal with consequences. Fucking scared through. With Aaron, same 'ole. If it's not meant to be, he reneges, or is in fact hiding Sissel shit, or whatever else, then fuck it, not the right one for me. His fuckin' loss. I need to keep moving. Shit ton to take care of and now it's only fair I guide the India team to be stronger and self-sufficient with Client Engineering or people who can at least troubleshoot P1 issues. They need that and that is me being of service. Timing!